parental help

What can parents and carers do to help traumatised children?

Provide sincere and continued reassurance.
Physical contact (e.g., cuddling and holding) is important.
It may be useful, for a short spell - until the child is more reassured and feels more secure, to let them have a light on at night and to provide them with "comfort foods".
Sharing with the child distress can be helpful. (e.g., it is possible to explain to a child [depending on the age and level of intellectual development] why crying is an important and healthy way of dealing with distress.
Explaining to children in clear language (again, appropriate to their age and development) what has happened is important. With regard to bereavement, it is important not to create problems. For example, saying that "daddy has gone for a long, long sleep" may imply that this is only a temporary state or, alternatively, it may create in the child's mind fears of sleeping.
Help the child to feel a valued member of the family (particularly if there has been a death of a sibling or parent). For example, allow them to help around the home, at a level which is appropriate to their age and physical development.
Try to ensure that the child's peers continue to take part in normal play and other recreations with the child.
Try to avoid unnecessary changes in the child's life and habits. (A trauma increases the need for the child to see the world as ordered and under control.)
Give them "permission" to talk about the trauma and/or the dead person.
Be alert to sudden shifts of emotion and reaction. Even although the child appears to be coping successfully, it is important to remember that adjustment is not a straight line, i.e, there will be "ups and downs". Parents need to be sensitive to these changes.
In the long term, "over protectiveness" will not be helpful. Over protectiveness can be seen in the parents over-indulging the child with regard to every whim and request for comfort, freedom from all responsibilities, and intolerance of absences. Discipline still needs to be maintained. Indeed, this helps to maintain secure and predicatable "boundaries" for the child, and this in turn helps to re-establish a sense of security and order.
Give the young person every opportunity to express their feelings, memories and concerns. This does require adults to "really listen" to what they are being told. Inevitably, some parents and carers find this uncomfortable because it makes them upset and, therefore, try to stop the child talking and recalling the event. Also, parents need to remember children may choose to express how they feel through play rather than in words. It is important, on the other hand, that children and adolescents are not forced by their parents to either "act out" or to express verbally how they feel.
Honesty is usually the best policy, although "honest" answers to questions must be cast in terms which the child can understand. Family secrets tend to cause anxiety, confusion and a lack of trust.
Similarly, family and other routines are helpful ways to indicate that the world is now more settled and under control. The sooner the child is exposed to a normal life the better. It is important, on the other hand, that children and adolescents are not forced by their parents to either "act out" or to express verbally how they feel.
Where a number of children have experienced the same traumatic event, it can often be helpful to bring them together particularly, older children and/or those who have perhaps attended the same school. This provides them with a sense of freedom to share their experience with others who have been in the same situation.
It is important for all family members to remember that individuals grieve at different rates and in rather different ways (even although there are some "general" reactions). Children and young people may take longer to react, and parents and carers can find this confusing. Obviously, it is important to go at the child's pace.
Parents who are worried about their child's reaction may find it helpful to keep a "diary of events". This will help to identify any patterns regarding the child's reactions, particularly in terms of what provokes them.
Letting children do something practical is also helpful is also helpful (e.g., laying flowers at the grave, lighting a candle in the church, and attending a memorial service).
It is worth considering whether the child should attend a funeral service or even view the body. It can also be helpful if the child creates a "memory box", in which special items such as photographs, toys, and other materials of shared memories and experiences, are stored.